Tentatively rejoicing.

I am hesitant to even say the words, but I think we are starting to get into a sleep pattern. The last few nights, I have fed Ily at around 10:30-11:00 and then around 4:00 a.m. She has basically slept the other hours with maybe a soother replacement or two.

I have actually been sleeping long enough to dream. In the intense sleep deprivation of the last seven months, I hadn't even realized that I wasn't remembering any dreams. Both of the last two mornings, I have woken up from vivid dreams (which I can't recall at this moment,) but I know I was dreaming. It's a strange sensation. I had forgotten what it was like to wake up from a dream.

Bring on the dreams. Maybe one day, I will miss every hour from 12-6. (A girl can dream, right?)

Best and Worst Mom in the World

According to my nearly seven month old daughter, I have already been the best and the worst Mom in the world (that's just from this morning).

Our day started out on a high note, when I came into her room to rescue her from the crib. The smile and outreached arms almost make up for time of day. However, this joy was cut short for the smallest member of our family when I deemed it necessary to bring out the snot sucking tool (NO, MOM, NOT THE BLUE BULB!) I imagine babies must think that their previously loving parents have done the classic Mama Jackal/Mama Hyde trick.

For the first nostril, she was still in blissful ignorance, opening her mouth, thinking this was a fun new toy that she hadn't seen in awhile. Quickly, that dream faded with the first (and might I add, satisfying) snot-pull. Screams of "how dare you...I thought you loved me" quickly followed, but my work was not done. I went in for the second nostril immediately, and an even bigger and more satisfying glob of goop emerged with this attempt. Her head was flying back and forth, but the worst was over. Only the physical and emotional clean-up needed to be done. Face is cleaned, tears are wiped, and the blue bulb is put back on the shelf. (For now... insert: scheming hand rub and slightly wild eyes...wahaha.)

I don't think any long term emotional trauma was inflicted. Unless, she is currently releasing pent-up anger on the green dinosaur. She is chomping it with a certain air of ferocity. I guess only time will tell...

Six Months...

So it's been a little more than six months since Ily joined our world, and I was realizing today just how precious these moments are. She is growing and changing so fast. Tonight she fell asleep while I was feeding her, and I just held her and smelled her and kissed her little hands and face (I may have shed a few tears.) I know it's a little dramatic, but I was imagining her starting her first day of kindergarten, playing sports, driving a car, getting married...I know that in some ways it's far off, but not really. I have never talked to a parent who said that the years their children were little went slowly.

I am thankful to be a mom...I read a blog today about a mom who has two sets of twins under a two years, and she said "I would rather have my hands full than to have empty arms and a broken heart." I don't even really feel like my hands are that full, but we do have harder days and easier ones, but everyday with her is a gift.

I thought I would make a quick list of the things that I am loving about Ily and parenting right now.
1. I love her little person-ness. She is beginning to get opinionated about things and she has a sense of humor. She likes to play with toys. I guess I should say that she's interested in toys and she likes to try the taste of each and every one of them.
2. She can sit on her own with only the occasional fall backwards or face plant. While she is doing this, she will grab anything within her reach.
3. The smiles that she gives when you come in to get her in the morning or after her naps will melt your heart.
4. She sleeps some longer stretches at night. (key word being "some") But she is a fabulous napper (usually a 2 hour morning nap and a 2 hour afternoon nap.)
5. She started solid food about a month ago, and she LOVES to eat. She has not yet met a food that she doesn't like, but the faces she gives when you introduce something new are hilarious.
6. She has become more social and will smile for lots of other people...but it is so fun that Chad and I are her favorite people.
7. She has a lovey now...a monkey head attached to a little blanket (actually we have three. I went out and bought two more when I realized they were her favorite.) Watching her with the monkey (we call it her "sidekick") is so interesting. She likes to hold its head, and then delicately touch it's head with one or two fingers at a time.

Overall, she is pretty stinkin' awesome.

Just for interest sake, here are her six month stats.
28 inches (97th percentile)
15 lbs. 6 oz. (25th percentile)
She's wearing some 6 month clothes, but mostly 9 month things right now.

Our Sleep (or Lack of Sleep) Journey (Aug. 2009-Feb. 2010)

Sleeping in her packn'play (First night at home)

Taking a nap in our bed (January 2010)

Sleeping in the swing (October 2009)

WARNING: Hideously long post...not for the faint of heart.

Sleep... Lack of sleep...Where to sleep...When to sleep...Not wanting to sleep..Wanting nothing as much as sleep...Who gets to sleep...

I realize that there were certain things that I assumed about parenthood in the months preceding Ilyana's birth that just haven't been what I expected. There are other things that have become part of our reality that I never even thought to expect.

I had a vague expectation prior to Ilyana's birth that parents don't get much sleep, babies wake often, and some babies sleep better than others. Beyond that, I don't really think I had much of a grasp on how much this whole issue can become a behemoth to conquer and a labyrinth to find your way through. We also had spent weeks preparing the nursery to be just "perfect." Sheets laundered and ready for a baby who would sleep there soon.

After Ilyana's birth, I quickly realized that sleep as I had previously known it was gone (at least for the time being). Since that time, we have been riding the "sleep deprivation roller coaster," and I am praying that we are beginning to see the station off in the distance and all of the people in this family might finally be quasi-rested. I am realizing just how quickly things are forgotten, and I thought it might be interesting to us later on to remember the process we have been in as new parents and as a new person (Ilyana). I, by no means, assume this process is complete. I just want to record what's happened so far.

Starting Out...
We had put the packn'play in our bedroom next to the bed as recommended by the medical personnel, and we moved the glider into our bedroom. The nights of those first weeks are a blur in my mind, but we made it through the initial jolt to the system. I can vaguely recall long feedings (approximately 20 minutes per side of nursing + burp time + back to sleep time.) I think the first night we were home, I actually set my alarm to wake up to make sure that I fed her. Obviously, I was a newbie...waking a sleeping baby breaks a cardinal rule of motherhood. That pattern lasted probably for most of the first 6 weeks. She generally would sleep 2-3 hours and then wake to eat and then go back to sleep with relative ease.



...and then the reflux...
Our first major bump in the road was when she developed reflux somewhere between months one and two. We were already tired, but this ramped it up to a whole new level because she had trouble sleeping laying flat and feedings were followed by 20-30 minutes of "upright" time on my chest. Multiply that times several feedings per night, and I didn't get much sleep. I spent a number of nights sleeping on the reclining part of our couch just to avoid being up and down so much. Our parenting schedule to get through those first months was that I would take care of Ilyana for the "night shift," and then Chad would take her for a few hours in the morning so I could get some uninterrupted sleep.

Bedsharing...
The other thing that I started to do around the beginning of October was to feed Ilyana in bed with us for part of the night. It was just easier than getting up and sitting in the glider for 30ish minutes several times, and I found that she would sleep much longer stretches if she was near us. Many people have strong feelings about bedsharing, and I used to think that it was kind of weird, and I certainly didn't understand why anyone would choose to do it. Then, my family started to bedshare for part of the night every night and some nights, most of the night. We were accidental bedsharers, and I found that there were advantages and disadvantages. Overall, I really like bedsharing, but it was for a season, and so we are moving on to the next stage.

Advantages...easy nursing...being completely wakened much less often...being able to comfort Ilyana without really moving...she slept much longer into the morning...the best part was just snuggling closer to her and cuddling with her...and waking up with her in the morning. Happy baby morning smiles are the greatest.

Disadvantages...uncomfortable sleeping positions (my back was continuously sore from sleeping with one arm above my head)...worry that the covers might get over her head (I never really felt I would roll on her, though. It's like I know she's there even when I am sleeping and I would try to move her up by pillow after she was done eating, but she would sometimes sleep several house beside me before I would wake up.)...her inability to sleep without me right next to her...light sleeping...and waking lots of times during the night even if each time was short. Another disadvantage is that people generally don't really think it's a good idea so I often felt a little embarrassed that I wasn't being strong enough as a mom to have her sleep in her own bed.

The Swing
In late October/early November, Ilyana's sleep pattern took a turn for the worse and the exhaustion was beginning to overwhelm me during the day. She would wake up every hour or hour and a half and I couldn't get her to settle for any length of time. She had been taking most of her naps in the swing so, even though it seemed strange at the time, we put her to bed for the night in the swing. The first night she slept til 3 a.m without waking. This started a pattern of sleeping in the swing until partway through the night, and then sleeping the rest of the night with us. We stuck with this pattern until sometime mid-January (note previous post) when we moved her in the swing into the nursery. She made that transition beautifully,

And finally to the crib... a few nights later. The crib has been a bigger transition. It also happened to coincide with her turning six months old (which is a time that many kids begin to understand separation.) Her sleeping got worse instead of better, and we were trying to wean her out of our bed as well. This meant many nights for me of being up ever 1 1/2 to 2 hours. I would rock her to sleep and then just as I would be back in bed drifting off to sleep, I would hear her start to cry again. Needless to say, my emotional health was beginning to suffer after several weeks of this. She would sleep "like a baby" as long as we were holding her, but would wake minutes after being laid down. She no longer needs to eat every 2 hours. She just wanted to be held.

So here we are...
Last week, after I had already gone to bed, Chad got the monitor out of the bedroom and took the plunge. (He let her cry.) Now this was a step that I didn't want to take. I imagined in happy parenting "fairy land" that she would just begin to sleep on her own one day (I know some babies do). Unfortunately, that day was not in the foreseeable future, and we were all beginning to be a little the worse for wear. He would go into her every few minutes, but she cried for over an hour the first night, but then she slept until 5:30 a.m. (I woke up at 5 a.m. ready to hit the gym. I haven't felt so good for months.) So we are staying the course and each night the crying has gotten less and less. Last night, she didn't cry at all and slept until 7:15 a.m with only one feeding around 4:00 a.m. , and tonight, she only fussed about 15 minutes before falling asleep.

I am hopeful that we are coming to the end of this season. I know that teething is still to come, and it may take years to totally conquer the "sleeping" bear, but in the meantime, I am looking forward to at least a few (mostly) uninterrupted nights.

Sleeping in her own room...beginning to let go...

I put Ilyana down in her own room to sleep tonight. She's still in the swing, but we are beginning to attempt to make the transition into her own room in her own bed. She's been in our room since she was born, and she often sleeps with us for at least part of the night.

It didn't seem to phase her a bit when I put her to bed. She went to sleep as peacefully as she always does with a small cry-cry. Head turn-head turn. Sleep.

But I have to admit that it was a bittersweet moment for me. Don't get me wrong. I am ready to get more sleep, and I am ready to be able to go to bed without any worry of disturbing a little one, and I am excited for her to grow (most of the time). But, it marked a first of a lifetime of "letting go" experiences as her mom. And I wasn't sure that I was ready...Today, it's moving into her own room. Tomorrow, it will be kindergarten, and next week, it will be moving away from home. I get teary just thinking about it, and I know I am being a little dramatic. (It might be the long-term sleep deprivation talking.)

I bless her to be everything that God has planned for her, whatever that means. But part of me wants to be able to hold her close, smell her sweet stinkiness (her feet sweat a lot), kiss her head and make her into a small "burrito" with a swaddle blanket (which she is beginning to hate, by the way.) I will cherish these days of her smallness. I choose not to wish them away in the name of more sleep.

At the same time, I will begin to release her to what is next...even if today that just means swinging in the next room and probably ending up in bed with us for at least some part of the night. I will not hold this precious one back selfishly from her destiny. She is not ours...we just get to enjoy her for awhile. She's got a perfect Parent (not Chadwick...just to clarify...he's with me.) who can hold her and love her much longer and better than we can.

So tonight, I trust that she is swinging in the hands of the Father, and hopefully we'll all get some good sleep.

A blog resurrection...

I realize that there has been precious little action (actually no action if we are to quibble about details) on this blog for several months. And it has actually been declared "dead" by the one follower that we are aware of (Chadwick's mother...aka MamaNeuf/Omi).

But, I have come to declare that the blog is risen. It is risen indeed.

I recently watched the movie "Julie & Julia" (which I would highly recommend if you like to cook and love to eat butter,) and have been inspired to write again. Maybe I should be embarrassed that my inspiration comes from a movie, but despite my desire to be deep, reflective, and well-read, I have to be honest and say that I mostly leave the deep thinking and heavy reading to my husband while I dine on a steady intellectual diet of "Girly" movies and "The Biggest Loser." Then, I just wait for Chadwick to share all his deep thoughts with me so that I can talk about them later even though my information is second hand. It's just one more reason why we make a great team.

So the Neufelds are back...at least one of them (me). I don't have a particular challenge/goal for myself like Julie did in the movie, and I certainly have no aspirations of getting a book deal out of this or having a movie made about our life. I do know, however, that life passes by and, while a person may feel that they will remember the details, emotions, and events of a season, the reality is that it slips away quickly as the next season begins. (I already can't even remember all the specifics from my fourth grade schedule from last year.) I would like to record snippits (is that a word?) of our day-to-day thoughts & activities so that we can remember this stage. I sometimes wish that my mom had written things down so that I could read about the life my family lived when I was growing up. So maybe someday these posts will be a gift to Ilyana. If not, it will be give me a chance to process my current life as a stay-at-home mom who has been a teacher and lives in a high school residence hall. We'll see...

...but Ilyana if you are ever reading this...you'll be happy to know that today, Tuesday, January 12, 2010 you are 5 months & 3 days old. You are wearing a yellow sleeper with hearts on it and sitting on the couch beside me chewing on a pink plastic pretzel. Not to mention sliming everything in sight. Very developmentally appropriate. Good Job.

Two months...

So, we're not terribly regular posters on this blog. We'd like to be, but we're just not.
Our beautiful Ilyana Grace turned two months old yesterday.
On Thursday she rolled over for the first time. She smiles, eats, poops, and sleeps. She is quite the baby.